[ There's no real point in Krouse looking at Noelle. She isn't looking back at him - at least, not with the eyes that matter. Those eyes aren't really looking at anything.
Were they pretending she wasn't angry, before? Is that what was happening? Only Mars knew what was really going on, before Noelle took that half a vial. It was nice to pretend that the rest of them thought she was more or less normal. Shy, at worst. But if there were signs for Krouse to pick up on, it stands to reason the rest of them picked up on them, too.
It doesn't matter. The rest of them are gone, and Noelle will never see them again, and they're lucky enough to never see her.
It's not like you started being angry after this happened. Noelle clutches the base of her hospital gown, fingers weaving through the fabric and making a fist. The thing inside her shows her a memory, and Noelle takes the opportunity to be anywhere but here.
She'd been angry at herself the most. Angry one night, when she'd eaten too much pasta for dinner, on a day when she hadn't even walked home from school. Angrier still, after she'd thrown it up, leaving nothing but bilious hatred and shame over what she'd done. Relapse is another word for failure.
So she locked herself in her room for the rest of the night, and when she logged onto Ransack, Krouse was already there. Practicing, or something. They played all night, and he didn't ask why she was going so hard on the kids from Australia, or why she was still online at three in the morning, or what was wrong with her. He didn't even ask her to turn her camera on. ]
Yeah.
[ Noelle says, her voice dusty and quiet. She doesn't know how long she checked out for. Krouse still waited for her.
Noelle looks down at him again, finally, and when her eyes crumple in mirror image of his, she realizes she's forgotten how many calories are in a cup of spaghetti. The realization is as light and cool as the breeze in her hair. ]
I wanted to tell you I was sorry. During the fight. That it wasn't your fault. [ Noelle releases her grip on the gown, tucking her arm around her side instead. ] I was scared of being mad because I was scared of being big, and loud, and of people looking at me, and seeing - seeing what I saw, I guess.
[ Noelle laughs, but there's no mirth to it. What she's saying isn't funny. But she doesn't know what to do. ]
And then everyone found out anyway. So I guess I should have just told you from the beginning, huh?
cw: eating disorder, vomiting, ableism, fatphobia
Were they pretending she wasn't angry, before? Is that what was happening? Only Mars knew what was really going on, before Noelle took that half a vial. It was nice to pretend that the rest of them thought she was more or less normal. Shy, at worst. But if there were signs for Krouse to pick up on, it stands to reason the rest of them picked up on them, too.
It doesn't matter. The rest of them are gone, and Noelle will never see them again, and they're lucky enough to never see her.
It's not like you started being angry after this happened. Noelle clutches the base of her hospital gown, fingers weaving through the fabric and making a fist. The thing inside her shows her a memory, and Noelle takes the opportunity to be anywhere but here.
She'd been angry at herself the most. Angry one night, when she'd eaten too much pasta for dinner, on a day when she hadn't even walked home from school. Angrier still, after she'd thrown it up, leaving nothing but bilious hatred and shame over what she'd done. Relapse is another word for failure.
So she locked herself in her room for the rest of the night, and when she logged onto Ransack, Krouse was already there. Practicing, or something. They played all night, and he didn't ask why she was going so hard on the kids from Australia, or why she was still online at three in the morning, or what was wrong with her. He didn't even ask her to turn her camera on. ]
Yeah.
[ Noelle says, her voice dusty and quiet. She doesn't know how long she checked out for. Krouse still waited for her.
Noelle looks down at him again, finally, and when her eyes crumple in mirror image of his, she realizes she's forgotten how many calories are in a cup of spaghetti. The realization is as light and cool as the breeze in her hair. ]
I wanted to tell you I was sorry. During the fight. That it wasn't your fault. [ Noelle releases her grip on the gown, tucking her arm around her side instead. ] I was scared of being mad because I was scared of being big, and loud, and of people looking at me, and seeing - seeing what I saw, I guess.
[ Noelle laughs, but there's no mirth to it. What she's saying isn't funny. But she doesn't know what to do. ]
And then everyone found out anyway. So I guess I should have just told you from the beginning, huh?